Divine Write Copywriting Forum

Please click here to review my marketing postcard copy: [link has been removed, please see my second post for the copy]. As you can see in the postcard, I am a Website Designer, and am wanting to send the postcard to businesses, who I believe would benefit from a website redesign. So I need the businesses to be convinced that they would benefit from a website, which I can build for them. I am going to send the postcard copy to my local printer, so they can design and print a great looking postcard, once I have sorted out the copy for the postcard. Thanks in advance,

Hi bluegum. Thanks for your post.

The first thing that jumps out at me on your postcard is the audit claim. This smacks of email spam. I get emails that make this claim every day, and I never open any of them. I think if you're going to make this sort of claim, you need to substantiate it somehow. Discuss some specific finding of your audit.

Other than that, I think you need to focus a little on talking about the reader, not about yourself.

Also, not sure if the headline is effective enough. It's very generic. Is there some benefit that's specific to your target audience that you could focus on here? Or a special offer?

Also, it's not immediately clear that the pic on the front is a sample of past work. May seem irrelevant at first glance.

Cheers.

Hi bluegum.

Some quick thoughts:

1) Your headline seems a bit wordy still.
2) Is the question in your headline really helping? Is it really arousing curiosity? (Four key ingredients in successful headlines are: curiosity, a quick easy way, news, self-interest).
3) Your sub-head is too wordy and a bit indirect. It would also be better if it were in the active voice (put the reader in the position of the do-er).
4) "Blue Gum Interactive's designer, Camille Turner, has the proven skills and expertise to build a website that your business will sure feel the benefits from having a well-built, self-managed website." This isn't a grammatically correct sentence.
5) Your offer is buried right at the bottom of the piece. 20% off. Perhaps this could feature in your headline or sub-head?
6) Self-managed might be a compelling feature too. And it's not in the headline or sub-head.

Cheers.

Here is the edited copy for the front of the postcard:
Front
Serious about results, quality websites work

[screenshots of my websites]

20% discount on a new website for the first 5 businesses

When I have got the front copy ready, I will organise the back of the postcard.

I am wanting to display my best designed websites on the front of the postcard, because I want the readers to understand that my websites do work.

Your sub-head's much better now. Headline still doesn't do it for me though. To begin with, I think you're asking and answering a question, right? If so, it should read, "Serious about results? Quality websites work". But beyond that, I think it'd be more powerful if you were more specific. HOW do they work? Lead with that.

Hi bluegum. Sorry for my delay. Just returned from a short break.

The copy definitely reads better now. You should have called your sister in earlier!

The only suggestions I'd make now:
1) None of the headlines promise any sort of benefit or speak to the reader's ultimate goal (which is not to have a new website).
2) This line on the back doesn't make sense: "If the answer is yes, Blue Gum Interactive has the proven skills and expertise to take you to the next step." Firstly, there's no question. And even if there were a question, what if the answer is "no"? Would that mean the following statement is NOT true ("Blue Gum Interactive has the proven skill..."). By starting with "If the answer is yes...", you're making the second clause conditional on the reader's answer being "yes".
3) Two instances of "create" here: "will create a unique and striking website that will create an immediate impact". Sounds a bit repetitive.

Cheers.